I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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