I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
