I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
