OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
