my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize