There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
