Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
