NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
