So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
