I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My liver just broke up with me...
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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