Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
