i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
