I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Randomize
