i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I understand Curling. That high.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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