I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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