Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
