Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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