i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I licked your asshole in confidence.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
