so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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