Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
