i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
