Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
