drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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