He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
