My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
