i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
