He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
