Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize