You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
