so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
no, he came in my armpit
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
