Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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