I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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