Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
