My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize