I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
