Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I believe in your delicious
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I was not drunk enough for that final.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
