she looked like the bat from fern gully.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
As shirtless as possible
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
