Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
