i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
