Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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