That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
