Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
