I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Still dying that you shit outside
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
