tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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