You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
