i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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