The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
