Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
