you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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