So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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