I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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