I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
