Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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