we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
