I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You took a bar mat shot.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
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