so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize