That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
