I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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